There’s a scene in “Exorcist 3” that’s thought-about one of many scariest of all time. When issues are labeled like that on Youtube, it’s not exhausting to roll your eyes and say, “yeah no matter” and proceed scrolling right down to one thing else. Nevertheless, I took the time to fill my display screen and switch the quantity all the way in which up. Even with the warning, I jumped. It’s an efficient scene, and it’s all within the rhythm. The scare comes on the actual flawed time, when you’re nonetheless inhaling.

It’s humorous, as a result of in actual life, I’m the bounce scare.

You received’t anticipate it. I’ll say I’m hungry, and I’ll have been ready so that you can end purchasing for about half an hour. It’s possibly solely 12:15. I did have a number of bites for breakfast, so it’s not like I used to be fasting. I’ll be strolling down the road. Perhaps one or two locations didn’t pan out, already full with diners or too troublesome to search out. You may make an innocuous comment about having a unique sort of meals. And I’ll kill you.

It’s scary as a result of it’s sudden, not less than to me. Different folks will see my face and guess that I’m about able to snap, however I’m not conscious of it. The one one that is anticipating it’s my husband, who will merely inform me “no”. However be warned: if I’m not fed, you’ll all die. You’ll be just like the nurse in “Exorcist 3”. It’s past my management.

I used to be attempting one thing new in Japan that I hadn’t tried in years. There’s this factor the place, if you’re a lady (and, I’m seeing these days, additionally a person), folks really feel emboldened to make feedback about your physique. That is doubly true if you’re Thai. Feedback like “you gained weight” and “you’re fats” are simply par for the course for a few of us, however it doesn’t imply that you just simply shrug your shoulders and say, “oh properly, that is me now, I suppose I’ll simply reside my life”. The factor behind your thoughts doesn’t actually let you do this for some cause. In some way, the self-loathing finally kicks in, even after years of “you’re fats”.

However I vowed to eat no matter I wished, at any time when I wished, for the 15 days I used to be in Japan. I hadn’t executed that since my first trimester with my son, when all I may abdomen had been potato chips with bitter cream-and-onion dip and ginger ale. I ended up weighing 77 kg after 9 months. The place would I be after 2 weeks?

So we braved Sunday brunch strains at Eggs ‘n Issues to make my son joyful. We braved crushing crowds in Tsukiji for sushi breakfast to make ourselves joyful. We loaded up our plates on the breakfast buffet at our ski resort, the place I’d day by day eat two heaping bowlfuls of Japanese rice with miso soup, pickles, and a styrofoam cup of natto, whipped precisely 50 instances with mustard and tare sauce to activate the gooey fibers. Within the evenings, dinner got here within the type of a effervescent cauldron of nabe, a mere appetizer to a succession of gut-busting fish and beef programs, all washed down with loads of umeshu, beer and bourbon.

In Disneyland, we launched into a full-day popcorn safari, taste-testing all the things that might match into our gaping maws and empty souls (verdict: black pepper popcorn was finest, adopted by curry, with soy sauce and butter a distant third). Greasy rooster legs, lengthy “naan” filled with tomato bolognese, inexperienced dumplings formed like aliens’ heads — all had been fodder for our ambulatory kamikaze dive into emotional oblivion. Once we reemerged again in Tokyo, I needed to get new pants.

Solely to go south to Yokohama, residence to the Shin-Yokohama Ramen Museum. I had someway heard of this place for years however by no means gone, as a result of I’m even lazier than I’m grasping. However lastly the calls for of the abdomen grew too sturdy to be denied, and so there we had been in Yokohama, a city I hadn’t been close to in 20 years, wandering the streets searching for an indication that includes a pair of chopsticks dipping a bowlful of yellow noodles into nothingness.

There are issues within the ramen museum like noodle-making workshops and the chance to craft your individual on the spot ramen bowl. There’s additionally a LOT of textual content explaining the historical past of ramen in Japan (it’s a Chinese language dish that began with shio ramen, earlier than soy sauce ramen was created in Asakusa and unfold out from there) and a bit on the completely different varieties (very roughly: Hokkaido is miso, Tokyo is soy sauce, and Kyushu is tonkotsu broth). That is all fascinating, however any minute you aren’t spending queueing up in line within the basement is a wasted minute. Head straight to the basement, don’t move go, don’t gather 200.

The basement is a duplicate of Fifties Tokyo, and there aren’t only a bunch of ramen retailers there, but additionally a number of little retailers (sweet, an ice cream bar, one other ramen store with pure wine) tucked into the alleyways. As a result of I’ve no chill and no strategizing sense, I went straight for no 1, which ended up being the most well-liked ramen store with a 30-minute wait. Clearly, I bitterly regretted my resolution, particularly after seeing Karen head off to a unique store and my son and husband going to a 3rd, all with out waits. However then I lastly bought to take a seat down and eat, and naturally all the things modified.

I bought the spicy miso “mini” measurement, and within the first few bites, you’re realizing you’re consuming a fairly good bowl of noodles, unctuous and savory and more-ish with umami up the wazoo. It’s after a number of extra sips of the broth when it hits you that you’re within the presence of one thing nice, and that the minutes you’re spending from then on together with your bowl of soup shall be a number of the finest minutes you should have that day. In the long run, alas, it’s all gone, however there’s the choice to return out within the line and queue once more, bitterly regretting your selections till your title known as as soon as extra to take a seat down.

My husband and son dallied over their bowls of ramen (equivalent, a possibility wasted), chosen as a result of the store was the oldest within the museum. After all, they didn’t take footage, so all I’ve to give you is that this hyperlink. Nicha ended up following my lead and queueing up after me on the similar spot, a choice I didn’t blame her for as a result of the ramen was that good. Karen, in the meantime, made a lot use of her time, attempting a particular anniversary version shio ramen on the second store to the suitable:

Earlier than going to the ramen bar tucked away within the balcony for an even-better tonkotsu ramen:

After which we had dinner.

The subsequent day, I had tried to chew my daughter’s head off at lunchtime as a result of I used to be hungry and wished to have sushi, however not at a sushi place I’d ever tried earlier than, as a result of that might be too simple. We zipped back and forth by way of Ginza solely to search out ourselves in a division retailer on the sort of restaurant that Invoice Murray and Scarlett Johansson find yourself in after Invoice Murray sleeps with that Sausalito chick. Which is to say that it was each soulless and costly. However not less than I used to be indignant.

In order that evening, we determined to maintain issues easy by consuming at an inexpensive izakaya throughout the road from our lodge, the type with 300 yen beers and footage of butts plastered everywhere in the partitions. Think about my shock after I undergo the door to see my daughter and husband at a desk however startled to see me. “Didn’t you get my messages?” my daughter requested. “Knup can’t are available right here.” And consider it or not, the thought didn’t cross my thoughts that a spot like Japan, the place beer is bought in merchandising machines, would prohibit a 13-year-old from becoming a member of his household for dinner at an izakaya. “Oh,” I mentioned. “I suppose we’ll discover some other place,” and we promptly left that place, feeling somewhat unusual as a result of it’s not day-after-day if you’re turned away for dinner with your loved ones by your loved ones? However then once more, I had tried to kill my daughter earlier so…

I wasn’t sporting a coat, and Knup wasn’t geared up with a lot of a palate, so we roamed the streets for fairly some time, eschewing Tokyo-style sushi with rice seasoned with crimson vinegar constructed from sake lees; soba with shrimp tempura; and grilled eel donburi. We had been hemming and hawing between McDonald’s and a soy sauce ramen store when my eye caught sight of a grill over a charcoal brazier in a eating room. Upon stepping inside, the person requested me if we had a reservation. “No,” I mentioned, however one thing in my expression was so pathetic that the person relented and seated us after ensuring that we may eat lamb.

It was a yaki-Hokkaido lamb store, specializing in all cuts of the animal: pores and skin (very chewy, irrespective of how a lot you grill it), tongue (tender), “arm” (equally tender and easy), liver (scrumptious) and most popularly, loin topped with chopped leeks. There was additionally mind, wrapped in foil to maintain it moist:

So joyful was I in Knup and my meals luck that when my household contacted me to ask the place I used to be (why would I be ready within the foyer when there’s a complete metropolis of meals on the market?), I solely felt a twinge of resentment earlier than sending them our coordinates. Earlier than lengthy, 5 of us had been crowded round a grill, operating the employees ragged with order after order and singing alongside to a soundtrack of Howard Jones and Asia. If the server regretted letting me in, he didn’t let on. Or possibly he knew that so long as I used to be fed, Tokyo could be secure from the monster. No matter he thought, it was the proper strategy to finish our keep.