[Editor’s Note: Please enjoy this guest review by Malcolm Bedell. He drives a van and writes about stupid food on his website, Spork & Barrel. He’s getting too old for this sh*t.]

I’m certifiably loopy about pickles. That’s proper, I stated it. After I was slightly child, my mother would catch me sneaking lengthy pulls off the bottle of pickling liquid left within the backside of the jar, the inexperienced brine rolling down my chin as I closed my eyes to savor each drop like a dry drunk who’s lastly been reunited with Tanqueray. After I started looking for my very own groceries, a jar of pickles dipped in bitter cream made an impressive last-minute sodium-rich dinner, and in my twenties, I had a couple of Friday night time fueled by the rocket gasoline mixture of pictures of whiskey adopted by pictures of pickle juice (what we in New England name a “pickleback”).

Pickle credentials established, I’ve to make another fast confession. I don’t like these “Pickle Juice Sport” pictures, marketed as a well being (?) and anti-cramping (??) product, by an organization referred to as, “The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC.” However as a result of I’m each a lover of pickle juice AND a sucker for something that may alter my mind chemistry, conveniently offered in a two ounce portion subsequent to the scratch-off tickets and the expired Butterfingers, I knew instantly that I needed to give them a attempt. From the web site:

“A brand new research has revealed that pickle brine is likely to be more practical than sports activities drinks at treating muscle cramps, confirming a longstanding assumption within the sports activities world. Soccer gamers, cyclists and triathletes have been sipping dill-flavored drinks, together with bottles of The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC, for years. Those that downed the brine stopped complaining of cramping inside 85 seconds — about 37 p.c sooner than the water drinkers and 45 p.c sooner than after they didn’t drink something in any respect.”

Now, let’s be clear. I’m…not an athlete. In truth, I’m not even positive I spotted that “cramping” was one thing your muscle tissues may do. I’ve been laboring underneath the idea that muscle tissues have been simply these stringy bits holding my bones collectively; I’ve by no means requested an excessive amount of of them, they usually’ve definitely by no means supplied me something in return. So I can’t communicate to the doubtful quasi-medical claims being made by The Pickle Juice Firm, LLC, and am not going to waste any of the valuable time I’ve to spend considering up dick jokes for the web to observe up on any of their printed “analysis.”

I can, nonetheless, communicate to the style of the product.

The very first thing I seen is that “Pickle Juice Sport” is saved (and presumably supposed to be served) at room temperature. The web site claims that it carries an prolonged shelf lifetime of as much as two years, and is so assured that you simply’ll need to have a ton of the stuff round that they’ll promote you a plastic 55 gallon drum of Pickle Juice Sport for $500. When you haven’t had the pleasure of chugging 2.5 ounces of heat, shelf-stable pickle juice these days, I’ll attempt to paint you a phrase image.

Think about brining the least attention-grabbing, least flavorful pickle you’ve ever tried in a unclean fishbowl filled with tepid aquarium water in a single day, and ingesting the outcomes. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Think about blasting a fog of pickle vapor via a automobile’s malfunctioning Freon air con system, and inhaling no matter comes via the vents of your ’02 Subaru. That’s Pickle Juice Sport. Think about the feeling of unintentionally biting down on a bit of aluminum foil with one among your half-broken fillings whereas an historical Polish lady rubs her generations-old household recipe for garlic dills throughout your snout. Oh, and you’ve got the flu. That’s Pickle Juice Sport.

It’s received the essential define of very gentle pickle taste, with what looks as if some form of wildly out of whack pH, in order that as a substitute of the acid you’re anticipating from pickle juice, it finally ends up nearly chalky, though the liquid itself isn’t thick; one thing like synthetic pickle flavoring blended with the style of outdated silverware carried in a base of heat unflavored Pedialyte.

I can’t think about chugging one among these after any form of intense athletic endeavor (which is to say, I can’t think about performing any form of intense athletic endeavor within the first place). There’s definitely nothing about chugging unfastened pickle water that’s the identical temperature as the within of your physique that appears “refreshing” and even “nice” on any degree. And I can’t say I seen any enhance in my power ranges, or actually any sensation in any respect aside from the slight urge to blow scorching pickle juice everywhere in the inside my automobile’s upholstery. And at $2 per bottle, I can’t think about favoring one among these over, say, an ice-cold Gatorade, since these additionally promise to rehydrate and replenish electrolytes whereas additionally one way or the other tasting like Tropical Mango mixed with Pure Magic.

As a lot as I really like pickle juice AND not having cramps, “Pickle Juice Sport” goes to be a tough cross for me. Triathletes could discover one thing to love within the product’s alleged muscle rejuvenation properties, however for these of us simply making an attempt to catch a authorized buzz off a vial of one thing or different bought at a fuel station? We’ll follow the dusty bottles of Pomegranate 5 Hour Vitality and Additional Energy Stacker 3. Y’know, like adults.

Pickle Juice Sport Additional Energy Pictures

• Rating: 1 out of 5 aggressive Polish grannies
• Worth: $1.99
• Measurement: 2.5 oz. bottle
• Bought at: The Shell station down underneath the freeway overpass.
• Cramping: None.